Jan. 18th, 2006

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Instructions for the Care and Keeping of a Molly
By Megan E. Williams, novice specialist in M. Mooology

• Mollies require at least eleven hours of sleep per evening. If they do not get adequate sleep, they become irritable and whine about needing daytime sleep and/or brominated vegetable oil. Happy, well-rested Mollies are generally calm and enjoy wiggling, downloading music, and spending money on CDs that they cannot afford.

• Mollies require a light sugaring every few hours. Without these sugarings they may complain about being hungry or tired, even if they received the requisite eleven hours of sleep the night before.

• Mollies hate chewing and other mouth sounds. If you are in the presence of a Molly, you must move into the other room to eat, or simply refrain from eating in general.

• Mollies receive a lot of condescending head pats. They may not always enjoy them or understand why they are receiving them, but it is an unavoidable part of their nature. Also, everything they say is inexplicably funny, but it is in your best interest to refrain from laughing all the time because they don’t understand why they are so funny.

• Mollies require a clean living environment. If their habitats are not up to living standards, the reaction can be likened to that of a Molly who has not received adequate sleep or sugaring. When living with a Molly, make sure that your laundry makes it into the basket at the foot of the bed and that you prepare your food by the sink!

• The cleanliness of a Molly does not only apply to her habitat. Mollies require daily showers and showers after any period of sleep. They will not touch anything in a public bathroom without a paper towel covering their hands for fear of germs, bacteria, or STDs!

• Mollies are also a highly organized species. Nothing escapes their organizing eye, including the books on your shelf and the clothes on your back! Organizing makes Mollies happy, so let them do it! It will just make things easier for you in the long run. Trust me, you’ll thank them later!

• Mollies have a wide and varied taste in music, films, and literature. Music may range from ABBA to Xiu Xiu. My own father bought a Molly books by former pornstars that she devoured with the same fervor that she devoured Norman Mailer’s The Executioner’s Song. Their favorite films include Waking Life and Howard the Duck.

• If it can be avoided, Mollies should not drive. It’s not that they’re bad drivers; it’s just that they have bad road karma. Past accidents make them wary of going the speed limit and crossing intersections. Panic attacks are likely.

• Mollies must watch at least three hours of teevee a day. It recharges them after years of a teeveeless existence.

• Mollies do not like most people, and do better with only brief periods of socialization. They are also picky about who they cohabitate with, and do better living with patient and intelligent people who can keep up with their demanding daily routine.

• Drugs and alcohol are poisons to Mollies (and everyone else as well!) Mollies truly believe in the platitude “Hugs, not Drugs!” Mollies like hugs.

• Mollies are generally a delight to live with and are worth all the hard work that comes along with caring for them. They may reciprocate with kisses, cuddles, conversations about rockstars or professors in a shoebox habitat, Fimo animals, and occasionally, if you’re really lucky, sex! I know I wouldn’t want to live without one!

In Women's Group today Pamela said that I have a "Woody Allen" quality. Megan then told me that this is why everyone laughs at me.

I still don't think I'm half as amusing as people make me out to be.


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